It resonated with me. And I'm sure an endless number of black clothed emo girls the world over.
Moving on.
I look at my life and feel so incredibly blessed for the things that I've been able to see and do so far. From the outside looking in, my life is enviable.
To get here, where I am today, has not been an easy journey. But whose is, right?
When I was 14 years old, after being sexually molested by my alcoholic stepfather for some time, I left home. At that age, social services will tend to try and get you placed back in the family home, however, it was not deemed suitable - so I lived with friends, made bad relationship decisions and used copious amounts of drugs before I was scouted as a model some years later.
I did not finish school. I did not go to university to study law until I was 19, and worked full time whilst there. I had been rehabbed from a heroin addiction twice by that age. It is odd for my brain to process the relief of never having used drugs interaveneously. The idea, and everything associated with it, is so foreign to me now.
I was young and I was tired.
Things are different now. I wouldn't touch chemical drugs in a pink fit, I've traveled the world, and although I've continued to make atrocious relationship decisions (present situation currently excluded) I've been lucky and have had a great and rewarding work life so far.
However, there are days, sometimes frequently, when I want to curl in a ball, hide away and wish and wish and wish that I could feel safe.
The end.
14 comments:
WOW - thank you for sharing your story with us.
What an amazing journey indeed.
I can't find any words that are appropriate only that I made some delicious cinnamon cookies just now and if you were here, I'd give you a bunch.
xx
I think a lot more people are 'fucked up' in some way than let on.
I saw a statistic that suggested one in ten people are sexually abused at some point in their life. My guess is this is accurate, just from talking to people.
But I think the rest of us get messed up in other ways quite often. I've only ever tried heroin twice- I smoked it and it did nothing or me, so I can't really comment on it. But I've had a love hate relationship with Cocaine in my life.
Your last line, I think we all strive for that. At least I do. A cocoon we can keep the rest of the world out of.
I'm glad you've found peace now. I guess it kind of gives hope that anyone can. You don't seem to have fear. That's a good thing.
Yawwwwn...
KIDDING.
Wow. You have stories.
Gotta go curl up in a ball under my desk now. Back later.
Life started out hard and you did what you did to survive or numb the pain of it all. I am glad you shared your story here and I so 'got' that line in the first paragraph.
Have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where Jerry becomes sensitive, caring and asks George to tell him his life story, share his darkest secrets and deepest fears ??
Which George does.
At the end, Jerry is frozen is horror like the figure in Edvard Munch's 'The Scream'...and finally says, 'Well good luck with all THAT...'
Anyway, 'Good luck with all THAT, la Femme'. You seem like you've turned out pretty fabulous in spite of it all...
Love.. (I said Pet, I said Love)
Lots of things.. but one really.
I imagine your mother didn't believe you or wasn't in a mothering frame of mind when she found out about the abuse. I am sorry she couldn't keep you safe.
I am sorry that she had to have a relationship with a creepy man.
I am sorry it got so hard for you so soon..
People have such hard journeys in life. It's important to acknowledge needing curl up in a ball time. :)
Thanks for trusting us with this piece of your journey x
Ms Smack: Thanks, yum x
Crushed: I don't like cocaine at all. Actually, these days, I don't like any street drugs.
I've seen the worse of human nature and made it anyway.
WTWA: Hehe. Actually, it was your post "Stories" that inspired me to share mine.
Cat: You've had a pretty amazing journey yourself.
Fingers: I might have seen, but could've been stoned. And, thanks you gorgeous creature.
Sulky: Thanks chook. Mum has suffered her own demons, and she did the best she could. She is very fragile creature at the best of times and I know that she has a lot of pain about what happened. It's funny, I come from a very middle class, high achieving family. The sort where you think this sort of thing will never happen. But, life is always smoke and mirrors. I've always been very open about where i come from and the things i've battled - i'm proud of having escaped. x x
Very brave of you to share this La Femme. I've only experienced the effects of sexual abuse second hand through my wife. She never could deal with it, and as she got older she just slowly shut down part of her life. I find the strong women an inspiration, and even if you feel the need to curl up now and then, the big thing is that you come back out into the sunshine anyway.
I think I've been to some of the places you've been and dug my way out too. The days I want to hide away don't feel quite as unsafe as the used to. Trust and I have a funny, somewhat distant relationship.
Wow, you are strong girl! Thumb up for you. I always liked your blog since I started to read it, now I appreciate you even more! You should be so proud of yourself.
gosh!
isn't it amazing? this picture that i have of you in my mind (still unchanged, although there's a fragility to it now) of a really strong, intelligent and glamorous jet-setting woman! i like that you can say that you've been lucky, despite everything, it gives you the glow of optimism, and that's a good thing.
ps. i'm laughing at my word verification: nuttlygo
what?
Fuse: I've been lucky because I have great friends, and had wonderful, wonderful, wonderful grandparents who gave me enough love for one thousand lifetimes and more than enough to let me believe in myself. I feel very sad for those who don't have something similar to navigate their way through the headfuck that abuse brings.
VR: I love the way you wrote about your relationship with trust - and am looking forward to reading your book!
FtW: Thanks blossom. You should be proud of your PHD and traveling all around the world the way you do.
TP: Thanks blossom. I appreciate that my life on the outside looks a lot more jetsetting than what it actually is. I reckon that 50% of the international trips I've ever taken have been because i've been running away from a broken heart or some such. And that's a lot of trips. I did the Aus-Europe trip 6 times in 12 months once. But thanks for your nice words, lovely to hear coming from someone as creative and glamourous as your good self. x
I knew you were a special one. And you are...tougher than most. Smarter than most too. Good for you darlin'.. you rock.
Sparsely - Thank you darling. x x x
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