God, jet lag and hormones can do some crazy shiz to your mind and body. I'm now off to the airport for the briefest of sojourns in Melbourne town. A friend from London is here and I'm heading down to see her.
More news soon.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Crisis Over
My existential, nervous breakdown teetering crisis has resolved itself. At least for the moment - good news all 'round, non?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Post holiday blues
I would sell something (anything) of significance to be back on holiday. My 3 continent journey has left my with a jet lagged induced depression that is taking its time lifting.
I really don't know if I am happy being here anymore. I love my partner and had a wonderful time with him, but am really beginning to tire of the never ending drama with his ex wife. I didn't imagine that my life would turn out like this. I was always the girl that didn't sleep around, tried to do the right thing and believed in the one man, one woman (or man, man - woman, woman) thing for life, even though my whole life has been glaring proof that there is no such thing as the conventional fairytale.
The other day I was sitting on my back patio, knees up close to me with a coffee and cigarette completely lost in feelings of sadness and fear and it hit me. All the memories of seeing my mother sitting in that exact position, with the same forlorn look of loss and sadness, smoking a cigarette came flooding over me. My mother, whom I love but have an incredibly strained relationship with, is an alcoholic bi-polar sufferer and has put men before everything in her life, her whole life. Luckily for her, she had a fall back position. She was the baby of her family and her parents picked her up and dusted her off until the day they died.
So yes, I feel like I'm turning in to my mother, without the fall back position. I'm tired of feeling alone all the time. Even when I'm with someone, I always feel so alone.
Rant over. Tomorrow will bring a sunnier disposition. Here's hoping.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Happy New Year
An amazing few days in Malaysia.
Now in London. Cold . Wet. Familiar. Comforting.
Will post photos and stories soon.
Over and out.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Days like these
Does everybody have days where they think that they are going crazy? Not just run of the mill crazy, but completely bat shit nuts?
But then you have a sleep, and you feel better again.
I've had a shitty couple of days emotionally.
On the upside - I think that mania can be ruled out as you generally get the crazy highs as well as the crazy lows. I just get the lows and back to median range.
Over and out.
For Fingers
Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.
How many songs: 614 (My hard-drive died 3 months ago and I lost a lot of music BOO HOO)
Sort by song title:
First Song: Abram - Jose Gonzalez
Last Song: 1234 - Feist
Sort by time:
Shortest Song: This Box Contains - Ani DiFranco
Longest Song: Remorse - Sarah Blasko
Sort by album:
First Song: Achtung Baby - U2 - One
Last Song: 5.55 - Charlotte Gainsbourg - Tel que tu es
Sort by artist:
First song: At your best - Aaliyah
Last song: London Still - The Waifs
Top [10] Most Played Songs:
1. Deeper than Love - Antony and the Johnsons
2. Gamble everything for love - Ben Lee
3. Man of constant sorrow - Bob Dylan
4. Blindsided - Bon Iver
5. Limit to your love - Feist
6. Somebody's crying - Chris Isaak
7. Chocolate and Cigarettes - Angus and Julia Stone
8. Trouble - Ray Lamontagne
9. Lover you should have come over - Jeff Buckley
10. The Ship Song - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
wishes
My brain is mush at the moment, and through my valium induced haze, I struggle to find something interesting write about. I have a 6 page opus on how the class wars in Iceland could be overcome if we build a robot army, overseen from a central coordination point, headed by Iran and Syria with non voting buy-in from the US and Israel, but I'm just not sure its ready for publication yet.
Moving along.
First two days back at work have been okay. I suspect knowing that I will flee the Country next Wednesday night helps with easing me back in to the work routine.
This morning I got up at 6.30am, did a half hour hatha yoga session and ten minutes of weights.
All of this before my morning cigarette.
Yes I've failed on my first attempt to quit smoking, but am determined to try again soon.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
good on paper
It resonated with me. And I'm sure an endless number of black clothed emo girls the world over.
Moving on.
I look at my life and feel so incredibly blessed for the things that I've been able to see and do so far. From the outside looking in, my life is enviable.
To get here, where I am today, has not been an easy journey. But whose is, right?
When I was 14 years old, after being sexually molested by my alcoholic stepfather for some time, I left home. At that age, social services will tend to try and get you placed back in the family home, however, it was not deemed suitable - so I lived with friends, made bad relationship decisions and used copious amounts of drugs before I was scouted as a model some years later.
I did not finish school. I did not go to university to study law until I was 19, and worked full time whilst there. I had been rehabbed from a heroin addiction twice by that age. It is odd for my brain to process the relief of never having used drugs interaveneously. The idea, and everything associated with it, is so foreign to me now.
I was young and I was tired.
Things are different now. I wouldn't touch chemical drugs in a pink fit, I've traveled the world, and although I've continued to make atrocious relationship decisions (present situation currently excluded) I've been lucky and have had a great and rewarding work life so far.
However, there are days, sometimes frequently, when I want to curl in a ball, hide away and wish and wish and wish that I could feel safe.
The end.
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