Sunday, October 11, 2009


Its been a good long while since writing here. I can't remember why I stopped writing.

Still, I've been following along with the lives of other bloggers from afar and thought it might be nice to get blogging again.

Better ease myself in to it though, me thinks. Not good to get too overstimulated at this age.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Crisis Over

My existential, nervous breakdown teetering crisis has resolved itself.  At least for the moment - good news all 'round, non?  

God, jet lag and hormones can do some crazy shiz to your mind and body.  I'm now off to the airport for the briefest of sojourns in Melbourne town.   A friend from London is here and I'm heading down to see her.

More news soon.  

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Post holiday blues

After an amazing three weeks, I arrived back in Australia around ten days ago.

I would sell something (anything) of significance to be back on holiday.  My 3 continent journey has left my with a jet lagged induced depression that is taking its time lifting.

I really don't know if I am happy being here anymore.  I love my partner and had a wonderful time with him, but am really beginning to tire of the never ending drama with his ex wife.  I didn't imagine that my life would turn out like this.  I was always the girl that didn't sleep around, tried to do the right thing and believed in the one man, one woman (or man, man - woman, woman) thing for life, even though my whole life has been glaring proof that there is no such thing as the conventional fairytale. 

The other day I was sitting on my back patio, knees up close to me with a coffee and cigarette completely lost in feelings of sadness and fear and it hit me.  All the memories of seeing my mother sitting in that exact position, with the same forlorn look of loss and sadness, smoking a cigarette came flooding over me.  My mother, whom I love but have an incredibly strained relationship with, is an alcoholic bi-polar sufferer and has put men before everything in her life, her whole life.  Luckily for her, she had a fall back position.  She was the baby of her family and her parents picked her up and dusted her off until the day they died.  

So yes, I feel like I'm turning in to my mother, without the fall back position.  I'm tired of feeling alone all the time.  Even when I'm with someone, I always feel so alone.

Rant over.  Tomorrow will bring a sunnier disposition.  Here's hoping. 

Monday, January 26, 2009

Happy New Year

An amazing few days in Malaysia.

Now in London.  Cold .  Wet.  Familiar.  Comforting.  

Will post photos and stories soon.

Over and out. 

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Days like these

Does everybody have days where they think that they are going crazy?  Not just run of the mill crazy, but completely bat shit nuts?  

But then you have a sleep, and you feel better again.  

I've had a shitty couple of days emotionally.

On the upside - I think that mania can be ruled out as you generally get the crazy highs as well as the crazy lows.  I just get the lows and back to median range.

Over and out.

For Fingers

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs: 614 (My hard-drive died 3 months ago and I lost a lot of music BOO HOO)

Sort by song title:
First Song: Abram - Jose Gonzalez
Last Song: 1234 - Feist

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: This Box Contains - Ani DiFranco
Longest Song: Remorse - Sarah Blasko

Sort by album:
First Song: Achtung Baby - U2 - One
Last Song: 5.55 - Charlotte Gainsbourg - Tel que tu es

Sort by artist:
First song: At your best - Aaliyah
Last song: London Still - The Waifs

Top [10] Most Played Songs:
1. Deeper than Love - Antony and the Johnsons
2. Gamble everything for love - Ben Lee
3. Man of constant sorrow - Bob Dylan
4. Blindsided - Bon Iver
5. Limit to your love - Feist
6. Somebody's crying - Chris Isaak
7. Chocolate and Cigarettes - Angus and Julia Stone
8. Trouble - Ray Lamontagne
9. Lover you should have come over - Jeff Buckley
10. The Ship Song - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


My brain is mush at the moment, and through my valium induced haze, I struggle to find something interesting write about.   I have a 6 page opus on how the class wars in Iceland could be overcome if we build a robot army, overseen from a central coordination point, headed by Iran and Syria with non voting buy-in from the US and Israel, but I'm just not sure its ready for publication yet.  

Moving along.

First two days back at work have been okay.  I suspect knowing that I will flee the Country next Wednesday night helps with easing me back in to the work routine.

This morning I got up at 6.30am, did a half hour hatha yoga session and ten minutes of weights.  

All of this before my morning cigarette. 

Yes I've failed on my first attempt to quit smoking, but am determined to try again soon. 


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

good on paper

There is a line from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, that I love.  It's where Kate Winslet turns to Jim Carrey and says "I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind".

It resonated with me.  And I'm sure an endless number of black clothed emo girls the world over.

Moving on.

I look at my life and feel so incredibly blessed for the things that I've been able to see and do so far.  From the outside looking in, my life is enviable. 

To get here, where I am today, has not been an easy journey.  But whose is, right?

When I was 14 years old, after being sexually molested by my alcoholic stepfather for some time, I left home.  At that age, social services will tend to try and get you placed back in the family home, however, it was not deemed suitable - so I lived with friends, made bad relationship decisions and used copious amounts of drugs before I was scouted as a model some years later.

I did not finish school.  I did not go to university to study law until I was 19, and worked full time whilst there.  I had been rehabbed from a heroin addiction twice by that age.  It is odd for my brain to process the relief of never having used drugs interaveneously.  The idea, and everything associated with it, is so foreign to me now.

I was young and I was tired.

Things are different now.  I wouldn't touch chemical drugs in a pink fit, I've traveled the world, and although I've continued to make atrocious relationship decisions (present situation currently excluded) I've been lucky and have had a great and rewarding work life so far.  

However, there are days, sometimes frequently, when I want to curl in a ball, hide away and wish and wish and wish that I could feel safe.  

The end.

Monday, January 5, 2009


In 16 days I will be heading off to the International Terminal for a quick spin around the globe.

First stop Kuala Lumpur for two days to visit my gorgeous friend E. The last time I was there I stayed at the Shangri La. In a word. Amazing. If you are ever in the area, I cannot recommend this place enough. It had the most amazing breakfast buffet that I had ever seen and/or tasted. Including a chocolate fountain.

Chocolate fountains for breakfast equals my sort of venue. Obviously, I will be stopping by for breakfast.

Onwards to London, for a 7 day catch up with friends that I've not seen since I left, and hopefully a quick trip over to Paris on the Eurostar. I will only have time for a day or so, and nothing is harder than pulling yourself away from that city, but a taste is better than not at all.

Onwards to Africa for 6 days and then home again.

In other news, whilst excited about my trip, I am tired and grumpy.

Over and out.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Mr Clayton's encore


Think about how long it’s been

since you thought it was silly

for people to say

“Yo, Dude!”

And actually mean it

down deep in their hearts.

By: Dallas Clayton

I heart dallas clayton


I wrapped a long red string
around a pole
in your front yard
It’s the pole for your cable television
I think. Or maybe your phone.
The one on the left
when you first walk out the door.

The string is a reminder
that something important must be done.
What that something is, I cannot tell you.
Nor can I say how.
All I know for sure is that it must happen,
which is why I put the string there last night
so you won’t forget.

Consider the string
each morning when you leave
and evening when you return.

You will soon know what to do.

Once you have done it
you can take the string down
with scissors
or a knife
then tie it back up
around a new pole
in a new yard
in the middle of the night.

With it
you can leave this note
just as it was left for me.

After that
things should begin to sort themselves
at a nice steady clip
from here
straight on till the end.

By: Dallas Clayton