My existential, nervous breakdown teetering crisis has resolved itself. At least for the moment - good news all 'round, non?
God, jet lag and hormones can do some crazy shiz to your mind and body. I'm now off to the airport for the briefest of sojourns in Melbourne town. A friend from London is here and I'm heading down to see her.
After an amazing three weeks, I arrived back in Australia around ten days ago.
I would sell something (anything) of significance to be back on holiday. My 3 continent journey has left my with a jet lagged induced depression that is taking its time lifting.
I really don't know if I am happy being here anymore. I love my partner and had a wonderful time with him, but am really beginning to tire of the never ending drama with his ex wife. I didn't imagine that my life would turn out like this. I was always the girl that didn't sleep around, tried to do the right thing and believed in the one man, one woman (or man, man - woman, woman) thing for life, even though my whole life has been glaring proof that there is no such thing as the conventional fairytale.
The other day I was sitting on my back patio, knees up close to me with a coffee and cigarette completely lost in feelings of sadness and fear and it hit me. All the memories of seeing my mother sitting in that exact position, with the same forlorn look of loss and sadness, smoking a cigarette came flooding over me. My mother, whom I love but have an incredibly strained relationship with, is an alcoholic bi-polar sufferer and has put men before everything in her life, her whole life. Luckily for her, she had a fall back position. She was the baby of her family and her parents picked her up and dusted her off until the day they died.
So yes, I feel like I'm turning in to my mother, without the fall back position. I'm tired of feeling alone all the time. Even when I'm with someone, I always feel so alone.
Rant over. Tomorrow will bring a sunnier disposition. Here's hoping.
Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.
How many songs: 614 (My hard-drive died 3 months ago and I lost a lot of music BOO HOO)
Sort by song title: First Song: Abram - Jose Gonzalez Last Song: 1234 - Feist
Sort by time: Shortest Song: This Box Contains - Ani DiFranco Longest Song: Remorse - Sarah Blasko
Sort by album: First Song: Achtung Baby - U2 - One Last Song: 5.55 - Charlotte Gainsbourg - Tel que tu es
Sort by artist: First song: At your best - Aaliyah Last song: London Still - The Waifs
Top  Most Played Songs: 1. Deeper than Love - Antony and the Johnsons 2. Gamble everything for love - Ben Lee 3. Man of constant sorrow - Bob Dylan 4. Blindsided - Bon Iver 5. Limit to your love - Feist 6. Somebody's crying - Chris Isaak 7. Chocolate and Cigarettes - Angus and Julia Stone 8. Trouble - Ray Lamontagne 9. Lover you should have come over - Jeff Buckley 10. The Ship Song - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.
My brain is mush at the moment, and through my valium induced haze, I struggle to find something interesting write about. I have a 6 page opus on how the class wars in Iceland could be overcome if we build a robot army, overseen from a central coordination point, headed by Iran and Syria with non voting buy-in from the US and Israel, but I'm just not sure its ready for publication yet.
First two days back at work have been okay. I suspect knowing that I will flee the Country next Wednesday night helps with easing me back in to the work routine.
This morning I got up at 6.30am, did a half hour hatha yoga session and ten minutes of weights.
All of this before my morning cigarette.
Yes I've failed on my first attempt to quit smoking, but am determined to try again soon.
There is a line from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, that I love. It's where Kate Winslet turns to Jim Carrey and says "I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind".
It resonated with me. And I'm sure an endless number of black clothed emo girls the world over.
I look at my life and feel so incredibly blessed for the things that I've been able to see and do so far. From the outside looking in, my life is enviable.
To get here, where I am today, has not been an easy journey. But whose is, right?
When I was 14 years old, after being sexually molested by my alcoholic stepfather for some time, I left home. At that age, social services will tend to try and get you placed back in the family home, however, it was not deemed suitable - so I lived with friends, made bad relationship decisions and used copious amounts of drugs before I was scouted as a model some years later.
I did not finish school. I did not go to university to study law until I was 19, and worked full time whilst there. I had been rehabbed from a heroin addiction twice by that age. It is odd for my brain to process the relief of never having used drugs interaveneously. The idea, and everything associated with it, is so foreign to me now.
I was young and I was tired.
Things are different now. I wouldn't touch chemical drugs in a pink fit, I've traveled the world, and although I've continued to make atrocious relationship decisions (present situation currently excluded) I've been lucky and have had a great and rewarding work life so far.
However, there are days, sometimes frequently, when I want to curl in a ball, hide away and wish and wish and wish that I could feel safe.
In 16 days I will be heading off to the International Terminal for a quick spin around the globe.
First stop Kuala Lumpur for two days to visit my gorgeous friend E. The last time I was there I stayed at the Shangri La. In a word. Amazing. If you are ever in the area, I cannot recommend this place enough. It had the most amazing breakfast buffet that I had ever seen and/or tasted. Including a chocolate fountain.
Chocolate fountains for breakfast equals my sort of venue. Obviously, I will be stopping by for breakfast.
Onwards to London, for a 7 day catch up with friends that I've not seen since I left, and hopefully a quick trip over to Paris on the Eurostar. I will only have time for a day or so, and nothing is harder than pulling yourself away from that city, but a taste is better than not at all.
Onwards to Africa for 6 days and then home again.
In other news, whilst excited about my trip, I am tired and grumpy.
I wrapped a long red string around a pole in your front yard It’s the pole for your cable television I think. Or maybe your phone. The one on the left when you first walk out the door.
The string is a reminder that something important must be done. What that something is, I cannot tell you. Nor can I say how. All I know for sure is that it must happen, which is why I put the string there last night so you won’t forget.
Consider the string each morning when you leave and evening when you return.
You will soon know what to do.
Once you have done it you can take the string down with scissors or a knife then tie it back up around a new pole in a new yard in the middle of the night.
With it you can leave this note just as it was left for me.
After that things should begin to sort themselves at a nice steady clip from here straight on till the end.
30 year old female, world wide navigator. Despite being informed that modern day Persia may not be in accord with the image I have of my Rubaiyat fantasies; I remain hopeful. Its just life man. Powerless to stop it.