Saturday, February 21, 2009

Post holiday blues

After an amazing three weeks, I arrived back in Australia around ten days ago.

I would sell something (anything) of significance to be back on holiday.  My 3 continent journey has left my with a jet lagged induced depression that is taking its time lifting.

I really don't know if I am happy being here anymore.  I love my partner and had a wonderful time with him, but am really beginning to tire of the never ending drama with his ex wife.  I didn't imagine that my life would turn out like this.  I was always the girl that didn't sleep around, tried to do the right thing and believed in the one man, one woman (or man, man - woman, woman) thing for life, even though my whole life has been glaring proof that there is no such thing as the conventional fairytale. 

The other day I was sitting on my back patio, knees up close to me with a coffee and cigarette completely lost in feelings of sadness and fear and it hit me.  All the memories of seeing my mother sitting in that exact position, with the same forlorn look of loss and sadness, smoking a cigarette came flooding over me.  My mother, whom I love but have an incredibly strained relationship with, is an alcoholic bi-polar sufferer and has put men before everything in her life, her whole life.  Luckily for her, she had a fall back position.  She was the baby of her family and her parents picked her up and dusted her off until the day they died.  

So yes, I feel like I'm turning in to my mother, without the fall back position.  I'm tired of feeling alone all the time.  Even when I'm with someone, I always feel so alone.

Rant over.  Tomorrow will bring a sunnier disposition.  Here's hoping. 


Ms Smack said...

Welcome back to Australian shores.

Certainly a moving post, deeply reflective..

follow your heart. It will never let you down.


vicariousrising said...

Thoughtful post. It is always hard when we find ourselves becoming something we promised ourselves we'd never become.

Wishing you good things...

fromtheworld said...

First of all, welcome back! I am happy to be able to read you again. Second, I always think that there is not a worse feeling than being with someone and feeling alone. But don't be too afraid to turn out to be similar to your mom. You are not her and your life is not her life, even if certainly you can see certain similarities! One step at the time. This is what I am learning lately and from time to time stop to think about what it really makes you happy.

Desirea Madison said...

I totally identify. The days after life's most exciting events can be the most disappointing, because that rush from new experiences or peer approval is always temporary.

Heaven was once described to me as a perpetual fascination with the beatific vision. It was like an eternal coital gaze with the man that could make every cell of your mind and being flush with passion. Religion is so sexual. The creators just couldn't come to terms with the temporary nature of everything.

Anonymous said...

You dont' have to bring a sunnier position just for us, you need to work through your stuff as cloudy or grey or ever-changing as it needs to be. Relationships are hard work. Put you first.

But I know about the post-holiday blues, reality is such a bummer when it hits you. Hugs! and glad you are back girl. x

fingers said...

Welcome back, Femme.
I've missed you.
The important thing is that you've taken up smoking again. Love and friendship may come and go but a good nicotine addiction is forever...

kimba said...

Missed you love..

Bet your mum never had a blog, hey? There's the difference..

Wow, that was awkward said...

You have taken jet lag to an entirely deeper level. :-)

La Femme said...

Ms Smack: Thanks Possum.

VR: I think that my jet lag might have been magnifying some little things to be big things!

FTW: Your advice has been noted. I've been taking this last week just one day at a time, and feeling a lot better for it.

DM: I like the heaven description.

SK Thank you little one. I can't wait to catch up on your fabulous writings.

Fingers: I could so easily fall in love with you.

Kimba: I am actually in love with you. You got all the answers sister. Thanks, you're right, she doesn't.

WTW: It isn't the first time I've propelled myself in the depths of an existential crisis after long haul travel x