For some reason, the last few days I've had my old boss on my mind. I travelled throughout Africa with her on a number of works trips. She was a barrister, a former professional singer, a fantastic chef and could host the perfect dinner party with the requisite ragamuffin pseudo intellectuals, dirt poor artists and some of the best legal minds in the country, with ease.
Darling.
Anyway, this woman was stunningly beautiful and wickedly bright. She was also a full blown, but functioning alcoholic. Her house was mortgaged to the hilt so that she was able to give her only son the oxford education and international wanderings he desired. He, like his mother, was drop dead gorgeous and academically gifted. But, he was spoilt, drug adled and their relationship would often deteriorate in to violent episodes.
Her first husband, when they met, was successful, and also married with four young sons. After a number of years together and the dissolution of his marriage, they married and within 6 months he was tying her in the garage and beating her to an unrecognizable state. She stayed, and his behavior became more depraved, for the next five years.
When I met her, many years later. She was having an affair with a married man. Actually, I think that every relationships she'd had since was with a man who had been unavailable. I remember thinking how horrible she was for her behavior. And I mean I was vehemently opposed to her actions. I look back now, and realise...she was broken. It is not an excuse, it does not justify it, but it helps me understand why she is the way she is. I haven't heard from her for a few years, but I hope she has managed to find some happiness.
As of today, my partner is married, and not to me. Although, he is separated, the ex-spouse lives on another continent and is also with someone else. However, the very fact that he had been married caused me unbelievable angst. I never imagined that my life would turn out in such a way that my partner had had a life partner before me. It is very funny that given the chaotic upbringing I had, that I set such rigid and absolute ideas of what my life would be, when the past has taught me that there really isn't room for such things.
Being a good person, trying to help others, not deliberately or knowingly hurting anyone - those are things I can try to do. Everything else is beyond my control.
In order to prevent any misapprehension that I am chanelling "the power of now", whilst energising my crystals and listening to relaxation music, please imagine I'm listening to Drop It Like it Hot by Snoop Dog.
I'm not, but you know, just imagine.
10 comments:
You really are a gifted writer, did you know?
I was completely absorbed during your post and experienced a range of emotions too.
Your friends story is tragic, and would make a wonderful novel.
Please keep writing.
Cheers,
Smack.
I think I was that woman - well up until the dating unavailable guys part - oh hell - I was a different form of broken all together - but I got this and I agree with Ms Smack - this post was wonderfully written!
For the longest time I held others I knew including my sister to my own moral standard of no relations with married people - and when she cheated on her husband and lost custody of her kid, I was dumbfounded - it was stupid that I expected her to be anyone other than well who she was, but then I got it.
She was just as broken as I was but up until that point I had never seen it.
Cat
yes pet.. there are reasons and sometimes no reasons for the things we do and the circumstances we find ourselves in.. we all have a different ride on the rollercoaster.
as I get older I seem to be less understanding - even though my knowledge of the human condition is greater.. why is that?
"When the kids try to get at you, drop like it's hot, drop it like it's hot..."
thanks honey now I have Snoop in my ears :)
You are a wonderful writer...love the way you write your sentences.
Plenty of smart women make dumb choices regarding men.
I don't believe you are one of them. The fact that he has been married is his beefcake to carry, not yours!!
Hey, you think that's baggage ??
My 3rd wife was a man until a year before we met...
I was married for less than a year in my very early 20s, then met and married my still husband when I was 27. I don't think my husband worries about the baggage of my prior marriage, but it freaks our son out to know I had a different husband than his father once.
I love what you wrote about your boss being 'broken'. I was broken for a long time and made terrible decisions and thought about making even worse ones. Fortunately, the worse ones would have crossed the threshold into hurting other people and I hadn't quite gotten to the point of not caring about that... yet. I'm also aware it was probably around the corner if I hadn't turned my life around.
most things look perfect from afar, and it's only when you get up close that you spot the imperfections.
this post made for a lovely read.
Absorbing read here. I can't imagine the lives some people have lived, it makes mine sound tame, and in this case that's a very good thing too.
You shouldn't feel bad because you are with someone who was once married.
I don't think she went after other women's men because she was 'broken'but highly insecure and had no sisterly love for other women.
After all, she was with a married man before her traumatic experience.
Ms Smack: Awww, thanks. My grammar is atrocious because legal writing doesn't use punctuation properly.
Cat: I think you are terrificly together. Your story is inspiring Cat.
Kimba: I don't know, sweets. I think that our patience levels rise and fall in line with our hormones. Well, for me anyway.
SK: I like a girl that can quote Snoop. I have made plenty of dumb choices. I hope this is one of my less ridiculous decisions.
Fingers: I'm beginning to think you and my mum might have more in common than her amateur theatrics. She is heading on to her fourth marriage too. Good times.
Vicariousrising: Thanks for sharing your story with me. Isn't it amazing how we can torture ourselves? I am so pleased to hear that things are back on track for you now.
TP: Yep, all that glitters isn't gold and all that. Thanks poppett.
Fuse: Some drama you can do without. : )
Uber: Believe me. She was broken, but I hope she has pieced herself back together. Her story was much more complicated than what i've written - but you can only fit so much in to a blogpost.
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