After an amazing three weeks, I arrived back in Australia around ten days ago.
I would sell something (anything) of significance to be back on holiday. My 3 continent journey has left my with a jet lagged induced depression that is taking its time lifting.
I really don't know if I am happy being here anymore. I love my partner and had a wonderful time with him, but am really beginning to tire of the never ending drama with his ex wife. I didn't imagine that my life would turn out like this. I was always the girl that didn't sleep around, tried to do the right thing and believed in the one man, one woman (or man, man - woman, woman) thing for life, even though my whole life has been glaring proof that there is no such thing as the conventional fairytale.
The other day I was sitting on my back patio, knees up close to me with a coffee and cigarette completely lost in feelings of sadness and fear and it hit me. All the memories of seeing my mother sitting in that exact position, with the same forlorn look of loss and sadness, smoking a cigarette came flooding over me. My mother, whom I love but have an incredibly strained relationship with, is an alcoholic bi-polar sufferer and has put men before everything in her life, her whole life. Luckily for her, she had a fall back position. She was the baby of her family and her parents picked her up and dusted her off until the day they died.
So yes, I feel like I'm turning in to my mother, without the fall back position. I'm tired of feeling alone all the time. Even when I'm with someone, I always feel so alone.
Rant over. Tomorrow will bring a sunnier disposition. Here's hoping.
